My Unspoken

How I would give anything just to meet myself for the first time
The small innocent boy with white eyes and pure smile
Sometimes I wonder will that little boy ever come back to life
His hands so small yet so big to hold more dreams than I can run to
Now bigger but turned into fists insecure of what might slip through
His tongue used to say nothing but that which was true
Now even with the knowledge that the pain of the truth is bearable
And the hurt that comes with that truth that’s repairable
Yet still omits and fabricates actuality for reasons unto me unexplainable
Back when love was as simple as checkmark next to YES
Where you didn’t have to offer anything in exchange
He chose to love and believe in himself wholeheartedly like he knew no limits
Now It won’t be far fetched to say self doubt is my religion since its the only thing I seem to believe in


How I would give anything just to meet myself for the first time
Collect every butterfly I’ve ever felt in my stomach
And before giving them to random strangers I’d write lessons I’ve learned on their wings
How I would give anything just to meet myself for the first time
Tell him that I’m still unlearning everything I accidentally tought myself
How I’ve let unexpected planes attack my skyscraper
And left me cleaning up the mess one too many times because it felt good at the moment
About my first love and how I had to cut her off at 18 and again at 20 and again at 21
Like a soldier at battlefield field out of supplies I had to improvise
I marched through my own heart armed with nothing and come out the other side
Not alright but I did survive, right?
I’ve blamed the virgo in me one too many times
Telling myself everything beautiful has a consequence
I’ll tell the little boy of how I’ve baked myself into a buffet
And let others cut into sample and take a slice of whatever they liked
Hid the Bare flawed and unfiltered parts of me because now we live in a society that screams ‘Show me your perfect’
I’ve not cried as much as I’ve needed to and I’m afraid sometimes it shows

How I would give anything just to meet myself for the first time
Teach him to find refuge in words since I do owe it to the poet in me
On my best days he is all that I am and on my worst days he is all that I want to be
Let him know that of all the people I’ve tried to become I think the person that felt most like home
Is the one I’ve tried all this time not to be
I’m now 22 and I’m still not sure what love really is
All I know is I’ve tried to find it everywhere but here Inside of me
Do I love myself?
I’m not sure but I know I’m a lot closer to an answer today than I was yesterday
Do I love myself?
I love myself a little more than I did yesterday and that has to count for something, right?
My honesty is a declaration of this love
Maybe I’m the only one being truthful maybe this is self love
Not knowing sometimes knowing like right now I feel more alive than most days
But tomorrow still remains unknown and whatever it holds and unfolds
I’ll place my hands on my chest and remember when little me use to do the same and say
This thing inside of me beats so whole for anything halfheartedly

~DIDO